12)
Be honest and ask questions: One of the primary means
of healing from toxicity is total honesty with the Lord and with
ourselves. This involves openness
concerning our feelings, fears, expectations, and disappointments. One of the
best ways to do this is writing in a journal and having open conversations with the
Lord. Be transparent and be
specific. People have wronged you. This is obvious. What takes a little more transparency
is to admit that there are areas
where we have responded or even retaliated with less than Christ-like
behavior. Often the Lord
will ask us to take the first step toward making this right. This is the genesis of reconciliation— this may include writing a
letter, making a phone call, or sending an email in which we acknowledge our role
in the situation, even though it may be minor. Own your part, even if it’s 5% of less, and God will take
care of the other 95%.
I have heard many
people say that God never answers a why question for them. From my perspective I think this is
because they have never asked the where question and the what question. Once we actively engage in the
forgiveness process (see principle #11), God will give glorious perspective into what has
transpired. What do I mean? Ask
God where He was in the situation and what you can learn from the
situation. I found that in being
honest and asking these questions before the Lord, He shows me things that
release healing.
I ask to relieve the memory from His
perspective showing me where He was in the midst of what transpired. Seeing Jesus in these painful moments
with pain etched on His face, or with His arms embracing my wounded heart, or
preventing far worse scenarios from developing has brought me enormous
comfort. In answering the where
and what questions I have almost always received answers to the why
questions. In my most recent toxic
scenario, I felt Him whisper to my heart very clearly, “because I want you to
know a small portion of the pain your generation is walking through.” It’s never easy. It’s never
pleasurable. It is rewarding, however, to make our hearts vulnerable to God’s
leading so that we can become capable of ministering to others.
13)
Find a place to heal: Find
a safe place to heal. Eagles
retreat to their lofty nests to nurse their wounds until they are strong enough
to fly again. In that high place
they are safe from other predators.
Likewise, you need a place to heal. For me, oddly enough, it looked like accepting the pastorate
of a church full of broken and wounded people. I could be myself. I shared my struggles and hurts. God soon used my messages of
transparency, hope, and courage in the face of pain to set many other people
free.
For you it may be,
a church body, a small group, several close friends, your family, or an
accountability partner. Whatever
the case, find a place where you can let down your guard, take off your armor,
and have your wounds washed. Look
for people who genuinely love you, affirm you, encourage you, and celebrate
you. Yet, don’t put demands on you
to process, dialogue, and open up every time you are together. They say that wounded male lions will
often just sit and look at each other.
Somehow they have found solace and courage in just being together. When you find this place do all that you can to protect it.
In this place, God will speak new words of life and destiny over you. At first it may seem to be completely unattainable and a very distant possibility. Don't despise the prophetic Word of the Lord. It's these small whispers in the place of healing that soon give our heart the courage to go forward with His calling. Remember Elijah? He journeyed into the desert for 40 days searching for the Lord in a very toxic ministry situation. He thought God would be in the fire or in the earthquake. But He wasn't. Only in the still small whisper did he find God's direction. You will have to fight your heart to receive these words as the clamor of injustice and pain will try to drown it out. Be steady and diligent to cultivate the promises of His specific Word for you. Soon you will find courage to believe them. And God will move you forward.
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